1. I’ll make you think you have a fat ass and I’ll slap you on it at random intervals just to re-emphasize this fact. I’ll even make you develop a horrible dependency to chocolate cake.
2. I’ll tell you can sing and give you false confidence to enter one of those American Idol type shows where the judges will call the authorities because you’re that bad of a singer. This will rid you of any hope of a life beyond working in McDonalds 9-5.
3. I’ll convince you that your farts don’t really smell that bad when in reality they are worse than mustard gas. You’ll end up giving your grandmother a heart attack thanks to your nasty flatulence.
4. On election day I’ll delude you into believing the Greens have a cat’s chance in hell of winning, thus wasting your vote.
5. I’ll make you fall totally in love with Al Gore. You’ll spend most of your days writing to him in your own blood repeatedly asking if he’d be as kind to send you a picture of himself in the nude.
6. I’ll convince you that there is no God and that Atheism is the one true philosophy.
7. You’ll write a letter to the Hanson Brothers asking if you can be their Siamese sibling, informing them that you’ll be willing to foot the medical bill.
8. You’ll stop brushing your teeth altogether when I count to 3. Remember people find toothless grins irresistible! Why do you think the Pogues are so popular? Their music? Ha!
9. I’ll convert you into a tree hugging hippy who actually subscribes to the whole global warming myth. You’ll picket corporations with a large carbon footprint nightly.
10. I’ll make you dependent on every drug in the book.
11. I’ll get you drunk on one beer and force you to run naked through the countryside dressed as Jesus. Once you’re arrested I’ll convince you to give the officers a lap dance.
12. You’ll ring 911 and inform them that you’re worried because your genitals are about to fall off.
13. I’ll convince you to run up a huge phone bill calling churches from coast to coast asking if “God is there?”.

I have a bit of a drink problem too. I love Whiskey and Coke. When I’m out in a nightclub I spent about $300 alone per night on it. It’d be even more if I didn’t spend so much time on the dancefloor. I can’t dance at all but that doesn’t stop me trying. By the end of the night some jock asshole will have beat my crap in for standing on his girlfriend’s toes while dancing. It’s hardly as if I do it on purpose for Christ’s sake. If that was the case she’d know about it. I’d probably take her foot clean off ffs!

If you hate me that much why not give me a chance to shine? Yes that’s right, pray to me and I’ll come and pick you up for a few drinks. We’ll have a laugh, I swear! And if you don’t I’ll make you one of my archangels. If you’re nice I’ll even show you the Jesus impersonation that nearly got me thrown out of Heaven. Just don’t tell Jesus about this O.K? I know he claims to be omniscient but that’s just bullshit. Truth be told, he’s a little senile these days. He won’t even pick up the phone when I’m prank-calling Him. Maybe he knows it’s me.

I’m sure you’ve seen this image before, where I apparently appear within the smoke after the World Trade Center attacks. I find this offensive and demeaning. First of all I am much prettier than the smoke formation presented here. The left side of my face is not squashed together like someone’s just farted. Secondly I was disgusted as anyone by the attacks. I deplore terrorism more than communism and hyper inflation put together.

It’s seriously insulting to suggest that I was involved. I get even with people via the ouija board, not by killing innocents. And even when I’m out for revenge on the board the worst I’ll do is playfully slap someone on the ass and/or turn the lights on and off.

And no folks, there is nothing supernatural in this image, you’ll always see what you want to see! If you look up to the clouds now you’ll clearly see me standing there smoking a cigarette. My demons say I bear a striking resemblance to Dan Ackroyd but I’m not at all fat or Canadian. Sometimes I wish I was. I could certainly do with some Kroff dinner.

I tried sending him a letter in apology but I haven’t heard anything back. It’s typical of Him though! He’s always complaining and holding grudges against people. Now I know who Jesus takes it after. That poor Sod hadn’t much hope in life with a father like that. Contrary to what the Bible says, I quite liked Jesus. I admired his dress sense or lack thereof. He’d turn up at a gathering, unshaven and clearly hungover with his robes ripped to shreds. I tried talking to him a few times but he was pretty incoherent. He thought I was trying to tempt Him when in fact I was just offering him a cigarette.

I guess my smoking pissed God off as well. I’ve been trying to stop since the Beginning but it’s just so difficult! Saying that I only smoke 20 a day now, whereas it was closer to 200 before. That’s why Hell’s on fire at the minute, I left a cigarette unattended for a few hundred years causing an inferno. I just can’t be bothered putting it out either. It gives the place a cool vibe y’know?

I hope to go back to Heaven one day but I won’t give into God, not while he keeps the Republicans in government anyway. Anyway he owes me an apology now! He’s dragged my name through the dirt. If you mention Satan to anyone they are immediately repulsed! Can you imagine what that can do to your self esteem?

I think he knows his time is up. It’s sad to see how he reacts to atheists these days. Before he’d just scream “Stupid!!!!” at them from his throne and get on with his day but now they’re getting to them. He now spends at least 6 hours in the morning bellowing out all sorts of profanities at his people. Jesus hasn’t seen him this angry since the Son was caught taking a leak behind a cactus during his desert stint.

I just wish he’d calm down, he’s unbelievably mean-spirited these days (much more so than the Leviticus era). He can’t get out of bed without pushing over a helpless kitten for belly laughs. He seems to get a lot of pleasure out of watching old people trip downstairs too. Frankly, I don’t know whether I’m Satan or God here, the line’s becoming ever more blurry.

Anyway I’m seriously glad to be here. You can expect to hear the whole truth from Satan at history of satan.com. I’ll be updating a few times a week with all of the hottest gossip from Heaven and Hell (I have some inside men upstairs, heh). I anticipate your next visit with much excitement.

Bye for now,

The Prince of Darkness.