Satan Attacks The Church
Is there anything more puerile than sitting in a smelly old building full of Holy Joes who are only there to compare clothing? I can’t handle it! It’s all so unnecessary. I can’t believe people even have the audacity to set up a Church in my name too! These folks must have nothing better to do with their time.
Anyway, here are a list of reasons why I hate the Christian Church.
- You aren’t allowed to attend naked, unless it’s one of those weird Christian Nudist churches, which aren’t worth attending in the first place. When will Christians realize the human form is sacred, rather than evil?
- The preacher at the front are the false idols, that God is so angry with! These guys are just on permanent ego trips, it’s so scary.
- You can’t buy hot dogs at Church service’s. Most of the time you aren’t even allowed to eat! The Church leaders should provide an eat-all-you-can buffet to their parishioners for all of their dedication throughout the years!
- According to the Gospel believers will inherit eternal life in the Kingdom Of Heaven but you wouldn’t think it when you see these people on a Sunday. Most of them look seriously hungover!
- Complementary cheese and wine should be provided at Church. Especially that lovely Rose Wine stuff, I’d turn up every week for that.
- I hate that stale Church smell! Why can’t the Pastor light a bonfire of incense every night to keep the place smell nice? It might stop him spending so much time burning good books!
- Church services last far too long. I think they should last for a maximum of 10 minutes and if the pastor runs over his allocated time the PA system shuts off automatically and the Church doors open.
- We need less acoustic guitars in super church ceremonies and more musical saw’s. Acoustic guitars are dreary, boring instruments for men who’ve given up on life.
- Preachers talk about the Bible far too much. Look, it really isn’t that great! Couldn’t you ask one of your parishioners to come up and tell his/her life story? It might actually give some relevant insight into life.
- I can’t believe that Funerals are still held inside Churches! It sickens me! These Holy services should be held out in nature, under some sort of tree. Or something.