Sep

17

Tricks and Lies of Satan

Filed Under History Of Satan

When I’m trying to win you over the dark side I’ll inevitably deceive you a little bit just to make the job easier. Here are a few things to look out for.

  1. I’ll make you think you have a fat ass and I’ll slap you on it at random intervals just to re-emphasize this fact. I’ll even make you develop a horrible dependency to chocolate cake.
  2. I’ll tell you can sing and give you false confidence to enter one of those American Idol type shows where the judges will call the authorities because you’re that bad of a singer. This will rid you of any hope of a life beyond working in McDonalds 9-5.
  3. I’ll convince you that your farts don’t really smell that bad when in reality they are worse than mustard gas. You’ll end up giving your grandmother a heart attack thanks to your nasty flatulence.
  4. On election day I’ll delude you into believing the Greens have a cat’s chance in hell of winning, thus wasting your vote.
  5. I’ll make you fall totally in love with Al Gore. You’ll spend most of your days writing to him in your own blood repeatedly asking if he’d be as kind to send you a picture of himself in the nude.
  6. I’ll convince you that there is no God and that Atheism is the one true philosophy.
  7. You’ll write a letter to the Hanson Brothers asking if you can be their Siamese sibling, informing them that you’ll be willing to foot the medical bill.
  8. You’ll stop brushing your teeth altogether when I count to 3. Remember people find toothless grins irresistible! Why do you think the Pogues are so popular? Their music? Ha!
  9. I’ll convert you into a tree hugging hippy who actually subscribes to the whole global warming myth. You’ll picket corporations with a large carbon footprint nightly.
  10. I’ll make you dependent on every drug in the book.
  11. I’ll get you drunk on one beer and force you to run naked through the countryside dressed as Jesus. Once you’re arrested I’ll convince you to give the officers a lap dance.
  12. You’ll ring 911 and inform them that you’re worried because your genitals are about to fall off.
  13. I’ll convince you to run up a huge phone bill calling churches from coast to coast asking if “God is there?”.

Comments

2 Responses to “Tricks and Lies of Satan”

  1. emmanuel arthur on March 28th, 2008 8:59 pm

    please, i need more copies of satan tricks. thank you

  2. soji on May 31st, 2008 4:31 pm

    who is the arthur of these articles…i really wanna meet you

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